“I think this year I might be ready to work on mending a friendship that ended a while ago.  Which kind of mercy do I really need: Reconciliation, Conciliation, or just plain Forgiveness?” Marta P. – (Part I of VI)

Good question, Marta!  Oftentimes, the situations that break up relationships are derived from such a complex mix of many problems that you might need to employ more than one of these.  I will come back to this point at the very end of what we’re going to craft as a six-part (yes, six-part) article. 

We will take the next several articles to offer you a pretty decent overview about the distinctions, factors, and dynamics of all three.  In addition, since each of these kinds of mercy are pretty jammed packed with both successes and failures, triumphs and tragedies, we will divide each of these into two-parters which look at the ‘light side’ and ‘dark side’ of each (see: three two-parters equal six-parts).  Plus, to give you more insights and examples, we’ll offer some extra materials like articles, podcasts, videos, and book excerpts to stimulate your thoughts, creativity, and spirituality.  Finally, we will provide three moments to “TAKE TIME” with the material:

• ???? TAKE TIME TO REFLECT:  This will be a moment for you to sit and begin to integrate the material into your own situation.  We’ll provide some prompting questions.  Feel free to use one or all of them.  Or, use your own.  The whole point is to be aware of what comes up so that it can be attended to responsibly, rather than hiding in silence.  If you journal, this would be a great journaling exercise!  If you are an introvert, get yourself to a quiet space and be with your thoughts.  If you are an extravert, then you might do best with a good friend, prayer partner, or someone that you can talk to about these things.

• ???? TAKE TIME TO PRAY:  This will be a moment to talk to God about what is going on in your mind, heart, body, and spirit.  Again, we’ll provide some prompting question that you might (or might not) find helpful in engaging in an honest exchange with the Lord about what is coming up for you as you continue to discern the right moves for you towards real healing.

• ???? TAKE TIME TO ACT:  We believe that in this work, it is necessary to do something so that your hopes don’t just stay in your head (or dreams) but take the next step towards actually happening.  We will provide several suggestions that we hope can be both motivating and encouraging for your own work of mercy.  You can certainly choose only one, two, or all three as you like.  However, if you want to do all three, we’d suggest that you do them one a time, so as not to overburden yourself.  Remember, this could be quite the journey, be good to yourself and take one step at a time.

It’s important to note any practical steps that we offer are not one-size-fits-all.  We do not intend to give you a step-by-step guide to get you to the goal.  Rather, we’re only providing you with the wherewithal to take the next step on your journey toward healing – and it’s gonna be a journey…Amen!  Let’s start with RECONCILIATION.

Reconciliation, simply put, is the bringing together of two (or more) parties that once had a mutually recognized relationship to work on repairing what had been broken and form an alliance that forges a new (and hopefully improved) relationship.  The Latin word origin is quite straightforward: “Re” meaning again and “Conciliare” meaning to unite amiably.  So, the word suggests that once upon a time there was a pretty good relationship going until something happened that caused a severe break.  However, each party has a desire to mend the brokenness and come back together, stronger than before.

While the definition is simple enough, the process is much more involved.  There are so many different specific strategies for reconciliation, so it is worth the effort to research a strategy that is right for all involved.  Among the questions to consider when looking for the right reconciliation strategy are:

1. What is the disposition of each party involved?  Are all parties equally willing to do the work of reconciliation or is one party more in favor of the reconciliation than the other?
2. What was the event that caused the rift?  What was the severity or gravity of the event and how did it either demonstrate or affect the values of each of the parties?
3. What damage was done by the event?  How much physical, emotional, or psychological damage was done and to what extent has the damage been attended or healed?
4. How much time has passed since the breakup of the relationship?  Are we talking days, weeks, months, years, or decades?  

While there are different specific strategies, the general direction of any reconciliation journey is going to be similar.  In the beginning, ALL parties will need to agree to come together in a facilitated forum that has agreed upon ground rules that will allow everyone to feel both free and safe to engage in what will be at times difficult work.  As you begin the work, each party will need to talk about what happened (the bad and the good) from their own perspectives.  Also, each party will need to hear how the other party talks about what happened in order to promote understanding.  Stories will be shared, tears will fall, emotions of every sort will ebb and flow, people will shift between being both comforted and uncomfortable, and the room will fluctuate between being heavy and being manageable.  A good facilitator will teach everyone how to deal with these as they happen.  As the work progresses, everyone must collaboratively decide what the future of the relationship is going to be like.  What will be the new expectations?  How will everyone be more accountable, responsible, and transparent?  

Because of its requirement of a history of a good relationship and its particular dynamic of requiring each party to be willing and able to come to the table and be a part of the healing process, reconciliation is the kind of mercy for certain situations, such as these:

• Former besties who got into a major argument and hadn’t spoken for several days.
• A married couple who wish to work things out after an infidelity.  
• Family members who wish to reconnect after being estranged for whatever reason.  
• A member of the Body of Christ who has been separated from the family because of sin or offense against another and wants to come back.  Remember Christ is always willing and able to come to the table.
• Healing our relationship with ourselves. think of it as Me, Myself, and I needing to come back together after being against one another.

Reconciliation is employed in virtually every aspect of human interaction in our lives great and small.  On a much larger national stage, reconciliation is used to bring large groups of people back together, such as what the Canadian Crown government and First Nations indigenous people of Canada continue to use to regain social and economic ties following a decades long break in relationship due to governmental change.

As you may have intuited, the work of reconciliation can be an arduous, and oftentimes long journey that requires among many things, intentionality, perseverance, and patience.  If reconciliation is to do its true work, then there has to be honest and responsible exchange of the hard issues that have arisen in light of the breakup.  There are some great questions that need to be processed, discussed, and answered in order to ensure the success of the new reconciled relationship.  Questions like:

• Are you sorry for what you did to me?
• How can we be assured that you all will never do this to us again?
• What does justice, recompense, and reparation have to look like considering all the damage that has been done?
• Can we ever really trust each other again?
• Where do we go from here considering that we can never go back to the way things were?

These kinds of questions can take a lot of discernment and time to answer.  However, some good news (the light side) is that reconciliation can work well for those who dedicate themselves to working it.  Oftentimes, through the work of reconciliation, relationships become stronger, deeper, and more meaningful.  Through this work of reconciliation, we learn so much more about ourselves and about others in a way that can help us appreciate both the delicateness and strength of the human spirit.  

To get a sense of the power of reconciliation on a personal scale, listen to this StoryCorps podcast from “Erik Galvan and Daniel Wheeler” who talk about the dangerous military order that broke up their friendship, and how they reconciled.

To get a sense of the power of reconciliation on a national scale, read this New York Times article, “Portraits of Reconciliation” which shows some once inconceivable connections between perpetrators and victims of the 1994 Rwandan Genocide.

???? TAKE TIME TO REFLECT:  Take some time and gather your own thoughts about reconciliation as it might apply to a broken relationship of your own.  

• What might be some of the hard questions, issues, or circumstances to face?
• What seems impossible to overcome right now?
• Do you sense any glimmers of hope from what you’ve read or heard?

???? TAKE TIME TO PRAY:  Bring some of your insights, honest emotions or thoughts, real questions, and any doubts to God in prayer.

• What do you want God to know about the relationship as it stands?
• What do you want to tell God about any hesitations that you have?
• What do you want to tell God about your hopes for a possible reconciliation?

???? TAKE TIME TO ACT: 

• Write the name of the person or people with whom you wish to reconcile on a Post-It note and place it on a mirror that you check in with daily.
• Write a prayer for the person or people with whom you wish to reconcile and pray it daily for a while.
• If you like to light candles in church, light a candle as a prayer for healing of the broken relationship.

Next time, we’ll look at the ‘dark side’ of reconciliation as we consider whether there’s ever a time when reconciliation just won’t work.  Take good care of yourself and let God take good care of you in the meantime!